Afraid of the Dark?
by LightBlueAbyss
Summary: Late in the night, Shinji and Asuka find themselves unable to sleep.


"Are you scared of the dark?" Asuka's voice cut through the darkness. I could feel the sheets rustle as she moved to become more comfortable. She never seems to be comfortable with the way things are. I lay there for a moment, back to back with Asuka. I look out the window to see what stars may be visible, but the city lights of Tokyo-3 are too bright to let any sort of natural light through.

"Are you?" repeating her question, speaking softly. "Why would I be?" I replied.

"You're still wide awake. Don't tell me your having trouble sleeping?".

The silence overtakes the air in between each tiny moment we cease to speak.

"I just was thinking." I say. The covers move up and down ever so slightly with the pace of her breathing, it almost sounds like a lullaby. Soft and sweet, like a musical instrument that plays a tone too quiet and airy to be suited for an orchestra. With the silence gripping us once more, I almost consider to say to her my comparison about her breathing. It's no use though, she'd probably just tell me I'm and idiot, or reprimand me for listening to her breathe.

"Of course you're not afraid. You know how weird it be if you were still afraid of the dark at this age?" And there it is, the reprimanding. I didn't even do anything, and she still finds something to complain about. I know she wasn't really saying I did anything wrong, but her tone makes me feel like it. Without rolling over to face me, she says "What are you thinking about?"

Let's see, you're breathing, the stars, you in general. No way I'm going to say that though. All I need is time to come up with a convincing answer. I suppose the stars isn't going to make her uncomfortable. "The stars." I say, keeping the extent of my thoughts hidden.

"The stars?" she asks with a slight undertone of confused judgment. I remember why I hate the question "What are you thinking?". It just feels so invasive. I know I'm not obligated to answer, but I have to say something, and with my mind already on the thing I don't want you to know I have to struggle to think of something else. Yet with all this, I can't help but think of her. All we ever do is fight with each other, yet I feel close to her for some reason. Maybe it was just that kiss from earlier tonight. Kissing because we were bored? It was a stupid idea. Maybe because of that my _teenage hormones_ are running wild, making me think things I wouldn't think otherwise. But I think them nonetheless, and obviously this isn't the only time I've thought this way.

"An answer would be nice." She says. I sigh, and prepare to speak.

"I was just looking out the window, and I realized you can't see any stars in Tokyo-3. That's all."

"Of course you can't, dummy." There she goes again. "There's too much light pollution. I don't see why they bother keeping them on, no one's out this time of night anyway."

"No, I guess not." I reply. I hear her shuffle again, at this rate she's not going to realize that she'll never be one hundred percent comfortable, well, with her standards at least. She lays there again, and I lay with my back against hers. I'm feeling nervous. I know we've spent plenty of nights in the same bed, but it's starting to seem like something a little different to me now. She just comes in here, says that she's staying here tonight and plops down on the other side of the bed, no explanation, no anything. Generally, we don't say a word to each other, with a few exceptions, tonight being one of them. Who knows, maybe we'll even make a habit of it.

"If you tell anyone about this I'm going to hit you so hard you'll go blind." She threatens, obviously preparing to spill something to me. Before I can ask her if it's something I think I could confidently keep secret, she says it.

"I might be... just a little afraid." She's afraid? That's a surprise. I just assumed she wasn't afraid of anything.

"You're afraid of the dark?" I ask.

"Of course not! Idiot." She snaps back. I should have known better than to speak. She continues.

"Well, not usually at least." I feel her trembling. I never knew she could be so vulnerable, and to something so simple as a fear of the dark, too.

"Really, it's not the dark that scares me. It's that if I stay up to long with nothing to think about, I start thinking about... unpleasant things, lets say." She sounds so sweet, so genuine. It's almost like the Asuka who always gets on everyone's nerves, has faded away. Maybe that's her shell. Maybe that's all she wants people to see, so they wont look any deeper. Yet, even if it's just a little bit, she's showing this to me, _idiot Shinji_. Am I really the closest person to her? If that's so, it says something about how close she lets herself get to people. If I'm right about all this, then we're the same that way, though I never realized it before.

"What are you afraid of?" She say to me. I kinda feel the same way I do when someone asks, "What are you thinking?", but part of me wants to answer truthfully. Do I want to let her know? I can't believe this. I thought I had things sorted out, not telling anyone anything. I really want to let her know though. I'm going to tell the truth.

"Does everything count? Eva, angels. All of them are terrifying. I guess it's people that scare me the most, though." I feel her head twitch, as if she just heard something unexpected. It doesn't seem like it would surprise her, it's not hard to tell that I'm terrible with people. I wait for her to say something, but in the end she doesn't end up speaking. I choose to continue.

"My father, obviously. I don't know why he's so cold to me, it's not like I ever did anything to him. Sometimes I feel like I hate him." I start to realize that I'm trembling as well. How stupid this must seem, two fourteen year olds shaking together in a bed in the middle of the night.

"Maybe he's just afraid." Asuka adds. "Maybe he doesn't know how to act around you, so he just acts cold. The only person he comes even close to liking is _wonder girl_ anyway." sounding frustrated. "I don't know what's so special about her, especially when he's so distant to his own son." She pauses. "Maybe he's more scared of you, then you are of him."

I laugh. "That's impossible. Even if he was scarred, I'm sure I'm more scarred." Maybe I should have considered her advice more, at least verbally. "It's not just him." I add. "It's all people. Misato, and Rei and-" I stop myself before I can say her name.

"You mean me, right?" Asuka says, finishing my sentence. I can't help but stutter, "Um, well, not really that I'm scarred, but-"

Interrupting me, I feel her hand reach for my arm. She grabs hold of it and pulls it closer to her body. She moves her hand down from my wrist to gently grasp my hand with her own, both of which are still trembling. "It's okay if you're afraid. We all have fears. I guess I'm not as nice as I could be to you anyway, so it makes sense." I tremble some more, but try to keep it down to a reasonable level.

"You're such a fragile thing." Asuka tells me, as she strokes the back of my hand gently with her thumb. "Even just touching a person terrifies you, doesn't it?" I don't respond, nor do I know how to respond. "But who knows, maybe that's a good thing." She continues. "Maybe then when you find a person you're not afraid of, it will be that much more special."

Silence grips us for another moment. I feel her hand in my own, how soft she is, how tiny she is. She's like a goddess, I think. A goddess that calls me an idiot all the time.

I hear her giggle. "Your hands all sweaty." Great, now I'm embarrassed myself. "Um, I'm sorry. I'll stop." I begin to pull my hand away, but she doesn't let go. "It's fine. It's kinda cute actually. You being so fragile makes me feel like I want to keep you safe." I blush, luckily she can't see my face. I feel her hand clench slightly, perhaps she was feeling awkward about what she said.

"I'm sorry, that was weird." She states. I give an awkward sounding retaliation "No, it's okay Asuka. If it's what you meant, then please don't feel bad about saying it, I guess." Her hand relaxes. It makes me feel like I did something good for a change.

"I know I won't protect you though. All I ever care about is myself. Even if I want to, I'll always just do what's best for _me"_ She must hate herself being so mean all the time, I guess. I mean, who wouldn't? Sure, every put down she's given herself has unfortunately been true, but at least she recognizes it. I guess we're more alike than we ever thought. I decide to say something.

"If it bothers you, then you don't need to live for yourself alone. You could just, you know, change the things about yourself that you don't really like." I say, hoping my comment doesn't upset her.

She giggles again, but this time, sarcastically. "You make it sound easy. Helping myself is all I know how to do. It's all I can do. I learned a long time ago not to expect special treatment from anyone else, so I guess I never learned how to give it." I hear her sniffle, and her trembling resumes. After not long, I can hear her crying. Not hysterically, but defeated. The extent of her self hate must be deeper than I ever suspected.

"I can't believe I'm such a jerk to everyone." She says, the words somewhat broken as she tries to speak as she cries. "I say all this now, but I know that in the morning I'll just go back to the way I always am. That's always what happens." She lays there crying. I wish I was strong enough to turn over and embrace her, but I can't find the strength to seek it out. Giving up on holding her, I try to muster the strength to speak instead.

"We're Eva pilots, Asuka. We could die tomorrow." I say. I hear her crying die down as I speak, "I realized that on day one. Sure I have a lot of anxiety about what's going to happen next, what's going to happen tomorrow. I think the only way we can live is if we don't worry about what's going to come next." I don't even really know where my words are coming from, but I like how they sound. "Maybe you wont care in the morning, but you care right now, don't you?"

She goes silent. Even her crying can't be heard. I wonder if I've comforted her, or just messed up like I always do. I probably just made her uncomfortable. After laying there for a long time, I try to pull my hand away as not to bother her any longer, but as I do, I feel her grasping tighter around my palm. Once I realize she doesn't want me to let go, I move my hand back to where it was, still sweaty and warm, at least the shaking has stopped though. We lay there, and eventually lose track of time. It could have been a minute, or the extent of the night. After some time passed the air dried out our hands and evaporated the sweat. My palm now felt cool, and Asuka's hand kept it from getting to cold. She was soft, and warm, and holding her hand made me feel like I'd actually been blessed with something in this life. I guess I felt lucky to have her. At some point in the night, a minute or hours, Asuka broke the silence with an array of words that terrified me, but also made me feel warm inside.

"Hey Shinji..." She paused, as I felt her tremble slightly. "Do... you wanna kiss again?"

 **FIN**


End file.
